I know that Fridays are typically reserved for some skin here on The Best of Everything. And this Friday will be no different, as we delve into the topic of who is The Best Simpson Sister, which I am doing primarily to settle the ongoing dispute that exists between The Boy and Middle. Primarily, but not solely, because I am also doing it in my ongoing quest to categorize... The Best of Everything.
Fridays are also justify your existence day here on The Best of Everything, it seems.
I am, as usual, the best person to decide this dispute because not only are my opinions righter than yours, but also because I can't stand either one of the Simpson sisters, so I will be completely unbiased in choosing who's The Best Simpson Sister, or 
completely biased, maybe, but biased against both, so it all works out in the end.
As an aside, I want to note that when I first typed the sentence "also because I can't stand either one of the Simpson sisters," in that paragraph I typed it as "also because quite frankly I can't stand either one of the Simpson sisters." But I edited out "quite frankly" because the way "quite frankly" is used nowadays, it means I am going to state something completely obvious but I want it to sound controversial. Have you noticed that? People say "Quite frankly" to preface things that are not really in dispute, but they want them to seem disputed. So you get people saying things like:
Quite frankly, I find that Obama fellow somewhat vague in his plans.
Or
Quite frankly, I hope it's not cancer.
Or even
Quite frankly, I enjoy a nice sunny day.
None of those are in the slightest a controversial statement about which the speaker would both need to both be frank and to warn you that he's going to be frank. You have to be frank with someone when they need your honest opinion even if it might shock or outrage them. So it would be necessary to say Quite frankly, I think I'm going to have to tell your wife that you blew your paycheck betting on the Kentucky Derby.
It's not necessary, as I realized, to say "quite frankly, I can't stand either one of the Simpson sisters" because everyone simply agrees with that. Nobody can stand them. That's why we don't buy their records, don't believe they're pregnant, don't go to their movies or even let their movies be released in theaters, and don't pay much attention when Joe Simpson looks at his daughter's cleavage.
Nope. Not kidding about that one:
But enough with the preliminaries! Let us determine who shall be The Best Simpson Sister!
Jessica? She's older, I think, so let's start with her.
Pros: Was married to Nick Lachey. Doesn't spell her name with an unnecessary number of e's. Had an actual musical career in the past. Sang gospel at one point, so you know she can actually sing. With Nick, is more or less singlehandedly (double-handedly?) responsible for making celeb-reality shows a staple of television. (Some may consider that a 'con.') Was involved in some way with "Operation Smile"
Cons: If you go to her website, you will be forced to hear the song "A Public Affair," which you have heretofore successfully avoided, and you will then realize that it pretty much rips off Madonna's "Holiday" so clearly that a lawsuit would be over before it began, and you will also realize that it makes "Holiday" worse, which you didn't think was possible. Has released five albums, of which I can name none of the songs she asserts (on her website, again) were "massive breakthrough hits" or "crossover smashes" or a "success. Probably had sex with most of the "Jackass" guys, and they're gross. Took part in the only TV show-turned-movie to flop, ever. Dates Tony Romo. Seemed to use "Operation Smile" as some sort of stunt involving her competing with Angelina Jolie to adopt kids for publicity purposes.
Ashlee: 
Pros: Was on "Seventh Heaven," which was almost a serious TV show, so she must be able to act a little. Won a celebrity surfing competition. Played "Roxie Hart" in a stage production of Chicago and was said to have done very well.
Cons: Dates that guy from the group that made "Dance, Dance" and then never did anything anyone cared about ever again. Pretends that she's "punk" or a "rocker" or both despite being about as far away from "punk" or "rock" as one can get. Got a nose job that makes her look exactly like Kate Hudson. Had a reality show that nobody paid attention to. Has on at least two occasions completely failed to be able to sing in public. Competed with Lindsay Lohan to date Wilmer Valderrama. (Come on, seriously? Apparently so.)
A
dditional Pro and Con:
If you Google "Jessica Simpson," there are, as of right now -- 11:23 a.m. CDST, May 2, 2008-- 25,200,000 results. Google "Ashlee Simpson" and you only get 10,100,000. So Jessica Simpson is more Internet-licious than Ashlee.
But, if you Google-image-search "Jessica," the first image on the page is Jessica Alba's butt. If you Google-image-search "Ashlee," the first image on the page is Ashlee Simpson. So Jessica Simpson is not the most famous Jessica, but Ashlee Simpson is the most famous Ashlee.
It's a tough call here. I really want to respect the greater commercial success that Jessica
Simpson had in singing, but at the same time I want to give due credit to the difficulty of performing live on stage in a musical, something I know a lot about because I starred in two musicals in junior high. Okay, I didn't star in them. But I was "Lord Growlie" and a member of "the Lollipop Guild" in The Wizard of Oz, and I was also an innkeeper in Annie Get Your Gun. So I know what it's like to feel the pressure of performing live in front of an audience that includes not just your grandparents but also kids who are going to beat you up on Monday while asking you where your Lollipop Guild is now. Ashlee deserves credit for that kind of work. She probably gets beat up a lot by people who mistake her for Kate Hudson. Or her boyfriend.
Then there's the fact that I can't stand Tony Romo. And, Jessica recently took a picture of herself shaving; what's that about?
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