I have a crush... on Hugh Grant's England.
A little while back, I gave you Xanth as The Best Fantasy World to live in. While that would be a great place to live, it's not the only fantasy world I've ever wanted to retreat to. I estimate that about 98% of any given day is taken up with my plans -- not dreams, not imaginations, not ramblings, but plans -- to move me and the family to a more perfect world, a world that exists only in my dreams but I will get there. A world like Xanth, or Hawaii, or Hugh Grant's England.
(By Hugh Grant's England, I should note, I'm including every place that Hugh Grant has lived in a movie, including New York and whereever he lived in That Movie He Starred In With Drew Barrymore.)
(Did anyone but me think that it was kind of sad to see Drew Barrymore try to pull a Demi Moore by dating Justin Long? Here's how I think Drew Barrymore's mind was working there: Hmm. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher seem to get a lot of press. I would like a lot of press. Who is a guy that's younger than me who I can cougar on and use to promote his career and at the same time try to get myself back in the limelight? What about that guy that plays a robot on the Apple commercials. He's a robot, right? What? He's a computer? But he has a head!)
Hugh Grant's England is a wonderful place. It's filled with charming shops, rakish best friends, houses that are small but quaint, starlets that date regular people, quirky compadres, and most of all, a lifestyle that's comfortable and does not in any way involve working. Who wouldn't want to live in a place where you frequently have to hop into your cool retro car and get to a press conference or wedding, a place where you get to chum around the park because you're rich from your dad writing a song, a place where prime ministers go caroling, a place where your ill-defined role in a corporation involves a lot of being on a yacht with a drunken Sandra Bullock and not so much being in the office with sober drones? 
So I have a crush on Hugh Grant's England, and I after I get rich and move to Hawaii I'll probably buy myself a summer house in Hugh Grant's England, preferably next to Hugh himself. That would be preferable because no small part of the charm of Hugh Grant's England is bound up in the charm of Hugh Grant himself.
Hugh Grant is romantic comedies. I know that sounds ungrammatical. I know it sounds like I should say "Hugh Grant are romantic comedies," but you're wrong; the subject is single so the verb is, too. So Hugh Grant is romantic comedies. It's like someone took all the parts of romantic comedy leading men and genetically isolated those bits that worked and then put them in a test tube and created Hugh Grant to star in romantic comedies, which he does amazingly well.
To be the lead in a romantic comedy, you have to embody a certain kind of character. You have to be a combination of best friend and suave lover. You have to be outgoing enough to meet and woo the girl, but shy enough that you don't scare her off or give the impression that at some point you'll grab her by the wrist and stare into her eyes because she wanted to call her mom. You have to have the kind of job that sets you out as someone a little different -- while also making sure that you have a job, or at least income. You have to stutter, just a bit. And you have to have just a little touch of the Mom-won't-like-thises.
That last part is the most important. The right amount of Mom-won't-like-this is critical. Too much Mom-won't-like-this and you've got a Hell's Angel that no woman wants to picture herself ending up with. Yes, yes, I know, you women all dated guys like that in high school and college, but you did it just to irritate us regular guys and make a point that you were independent. You don't want to actually marry a guy who rides a motorcycle, or has a beard that extends beyond his chin, or a serious number of tattoos, or who welds.
But too little Mom-won't-like-this and you're just a friend. And, confidential to all you guys writing to Dear Abby out there, once a friend, always a friend. Take the hint, guys. If you are writing to someone, or asking someone at work, or emailing your mom, or if you are in any way mouthing, writing, or even thinking the words I really like her but I don't want to ruin the friendship so how do I tell her that she's my soulmate, if you are thinking that, then here's the only answer you need: You're just a friend. You will never be more than that.
She knows. Girls, tell the guys. You know. Do you think Andie didn't know that Duckie loved her? She knew. She was more than aware. She just never brought it up. And if you, Duckie, bring it up, you will ruin the friendship and she's going to date Blaine anyway.
So if you don't have enough Mom-won't-like-this, you've got no chance, and romantic comedy leads need to have the right balance. Take "My Big Fat Greek Wedding [Which I've Turned Into A Stupid Movie That Will Wrongly Be Celebrated For Featuring A Plus-Sized Star, Causing Everyone To Overlook How Banal This Movie Is]." The guy in that movie, having moved on from Sarah Jessica Parker, had only one thing that could conceivably qualify as Mom-won't-like-this-- he wasn't a Big Fat Greek. Nowhere near enough, which is part of why that movie sucked and part of why that guy is not a romantic comedy star. Sure, sure, old-school-parents, blah blah blah, but you just couldn't see it, could you? The guy was so great that any parent would overlook his non-Big-Fat-Greekness.
At the other end of the spectrum is "Fever Pitch." That guy had too much Mom-won't-like-this. That guy is sports-obsessed (which equals drunk or maybe abusive in the long run) and also is Jimmy Fallon. The negatives, as they say, are too high.
Smack dab in the middle, perfectly pH balanced, is Hugh Grant. He's got jobs and income -- but they're not the best jobs and income, giving Mom a chance to grouse that all he does is sit around and live off his royalties, or he's the Prime Minister but taxes are still too high. He's likable and devoted, spending all his time reading scripts with you, but a little too close to his friends, so Mom can say "He's always off with that Spike fellow." He's somewhat disorganized, so Mom can frown disapprovingly when he shows up late for the wedding -- but still be pleased that he looks so dapper. It's the perfect scene: at the reception, Mom can introduce him and say This is the guy who made all that noise coming in late. But secretly she wishes Dad looked as good as Hugh in the tux.
The other thing Hugh Grant has going for him is that he's phenomenal at putting on a great scene to get the girl. We all want to have that great scene where we realize how much in love we are and that therefore we will do anything to prove how much in love we are. Whether that's standing in the rain with a boom box, or speechifying to her at a New Year's Eve party, or blowing off your business meeting to go pick up a streetwalker in a limo, no romance is perfect if it did not involve some grand or humiliating gesture to get the girl, and Hugh Grant is awesome at doing that.
Hugh Grant has danced to "Jump" and sung "Good King Wenceslas" to get the girl. He has used David Cassidy in a speech to try to woo a girl. He drove across town in a tiny car and pretended to be a writer from "Horse & Hound." He gave up millions (of his company's money) just to impress a chick. He even went so far as to pretend to be attracted to Renee Zellweger. Grand gestures are part of his bloodline.
Hugh Grant exudes charm, and silliness, and romance, and vulnerability and does so in a perfect mixture that places him atop the pedestal of romantic comedy leads. He's so good at it that his appeal spills over and makes people like not just him, but the things around him -- so that we fall in love not just with Hugh Grant, but with those objects around him that benefit by getting a booster shot of Hugh. With Hugh Grant around, we can see the appeal of not just Hugh Grant, but of Hugh Grant's England, or Hugh Grant's Friends, or Hugh Grant's Bookshop, or even Hugh Grant's Sandra Bullock. He's got enough to spare.
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