The Best Female Chef

Remember Sigue Sigue Sputnik? I do:



I bring that up because I've noticed that many of my nominations have the same pattern: begin a nomination, then bring up something that's completely irrelevant but on my mind, then get back to the subject. So I thought I'd get the complete irrelevancy out of the way, and that did it, because Sigue Sigue Sputnik is completely irrelevant to everything in the entire universe. You cannot possibly fit it into a conversation and have that conversation make sense. Try it. Let's see a sample conversation that hasn't happened yet but is no doubt likely to in the future:

The Pope: Bless you, my child, for coming to see me.

Me: Remember Sigue Sigue Sputnik? I do.

See? Can't be done.

So, on to the topic. Do you know what a Monte Cristo is?

Or how to deep fry a chicken strip in pecans and breadcrumbs?

Have you ever been to Crete?

Would you like to be able to set your desserts on fire and serve them in a very well-manicured backyard?

These are things that I know about now and I didn't know about approximately 2 years ago before Sweetie got pregnant with the twins and started watching cooking shows, something I assume she did because pregnancy makes people act weird and because she had trouble moving around with all that Babies! inside her.

The four female chefs she watched -- never male chefs, because they're all annoying jerks -- were Rachael Ray, Giada, that Paula lady who fries things, and "The Barefoot Contessa."

The Barefoot Contessa's show is called something like "The Barefoot Contessa Ina Garten," and for a long time, I thought that meant the show's actual title was a pretentious way of saying "The Barefoot Contessa In A Garden," only in some stupid foreign language, which I assumed because The Barefoot Contessa is always in her garden; I only later learned that "Ina Garten" is her name.

Because Sweetie watched them, I watched many of these shows, too, and learned quite a bit about cooking, like it would be fun to cook with retro stoves like Rachael Ray does, and Giada doesn't seem to do much cooking at all, she just travels a lot, and When Giada travels, she always take a boat across a bay. Even when there's no bay in the immediate geographical vicinity.

I also learned, as a result of these shows, actual cooking methods, cooking methods like If you buy your wife a Rachael Ray food processor as a present, do not subsequently try to use it to process a giant hunk of ground meet with various other ingredients because it's not that strong and the engine will start to smoke and it will die and you will then have no food processor and your kitchen will stink.

You don't see that on TV. That's real life talking, there.

But my experience watching those shows while also reading a magazine or book has made me more than qualified to judge which of those three ladies are The Best Female Chef. And if you are a Female Chef who is not one of those three ladies, then, I'm sorry, you should have been on TV and had Sweetie watch your show if you wanted to seriously be considered for this honor. How can you consider yourself a good female chef if you're not on TV?

I can first eliminate The Barefoot Contessa from the running, not because of the whole "Ina Garten" vs. "In the garden" controversy; that's forgotten. (Stupid fake foreign language!). Instead, I can get rid of The Barefoot Contessa because I'm not sure I'd want to eat anything she makes on her show. It's all very fancy and neat looking but it doesn't look appetizing to me. Granted, I have a diet that's based on words that end in "-ito," but, still. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Sweetie told me The Barefoot Contessa made her own crackers. Who does that? It's just excessive. So despite the fact that The Barefoot Contessa does light things on fire and serve them, which I would love to do but Sweetie doesn't even allow matches in our house anymore, since the Tiki Torch incident -- and that didn't even cause any lasting damage -- I can't.

Then there's Paula the frying lady. I only have seen maybe two of her shows. On one, she had a guy on there eating dessert. On the other, she was in England and put french fries on her sandwich. Paula deserves some credit for understanding, like I do, that a sandwich can and should be anything between two slices of bread. But she gets downgraded because, well, I don't know enough about her.

It's down to Giada and Rachael. I would really really like to award this to Giada, because she's Sweetie's favorite and she seems like a nice person and all, but I can't and here's why: Giada doesn't ever cook. Everytime I see her on TV, she's windsurfing or buying a picture for her husband or sharing a dessert with her sister, and even though that dessert is steaming because it's been dipped in liquid nitrogen and that is awesome, she didn't make the dessert. All I ever see Giada do is stand on the bow of a ship sailing across a bay. She has a great show, but it's not about cooking.

Rachael travels, too, but her traveling is not the only thing she does, and I see her in the kitchen far more often, throwing pans around and opening that retro oven and giving tips on how to cheat. Plus, one day while I was riding an exercycle at the club, Rachael's show was on and she was cooking chili dogs, and they looked so good that I went home and made them that night, and they were good. Plus, Rachael Ray's recipes actually work even when you think they won't. Like when you make her "Spaghetti Carbonara" and think to yourself "I'm not sure putting an egg and butter on these noodles is a good idea," but then it is a good idea and it's delicious.

One year, Sweetie and I had her Cheeseburger Salad. For Thanksgiving. That was a good year.

Plus, Rachael Ray managed to combine all of my passions into one beautiful, glorious item: Her Monte Cristo sandwich, which is (a) a sandwich, and (b) has fruit and meat on it, and (c) is deep fried. A deep-fried weird sandwich. I never even imagined that could be done before I got her cookbook -- and I have spent a lot of time imagining sandwiches.

So, Rachael Ray, you are The Best Female Chef.





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