There should be a personality test based on which "Peanuts" character you most identify with.
As it turns out, there are 51,500 of them. So I'm right, in the sense that I thought there should be such a thing and bango!, there were 51,500 of them. Look at the power I hold over the world.
Bango, you may also know, was not just an expressive term used to show how quickly one man, acting alone, could create 51,500 "Peanuts Personality Tests." It also was the Milwaukee Bucks' mascot back before everything had to be all tough and gangster-y. So the Bucks went from this:
As it turns out, there are 51,500 of them. So I'm right, in the sense that I thought there should be such a thing and bango!, there were 51,500 of them. Look at the power I hold over the world.
Bango, you may also know, was not just an expressive term used to show how quickly one man, acting alone, could create 51,500 "Peanuts Personality Tests." It also was the Milwaukee Bucks' mascot back before everything had to be all tough and gangster-y. So the Bucks went from this:
To this:
And it didn't help much because people still didn't like the Bucks; in fact, it might have hurt because people like me who might have bought Bucks gear, if I liked basketball, which I don't, but if I did I might have bought Bucks gear, would not buy the new Buck but I would conceivably have bought the old Bango the buck.
If I were to take all 51,500 of those Peanuts Personality tests, I like to think they show I'd be Linus. I'm sure, in reality, they would show me to be a Charlie Brown or maybe a Schroeder-- you know, either the loser that people secretly like or the guy who's off to the side doing his own thing. (I hope someone secretly likes me, at least. I'd hate to be the loser that nobody even secretly likes. Talk about reliving one's high school days.)
I'd want to be Linus because Linus is cool. He's cool in that lame way that qualifies him to be talked about this month -- because he's so lame that he's cool.
Linus has many, many features that make him lame. He:
-- is a younger brother.
-- sucks his thumb.
-- carries a blanket.
-- believes in the Great Pumpkin.
-- quotes the Bible.
About that last one: I'm not getting down on religion. I'm a religious guy. I go to church and pay attention for at least 70% of the Mass. I'm just saying that people who quote the Bible are lame. And you know it. If there was/is someone in your life who enters the breakroom at work as you're talking about what you want to do on the weekend, you know, like we all do on Friday afternoons, when you act like you're just going to get some coffee but you stand in the breakroom for, like, 40 minutes, chatting because it's Friday afternoon, and that person comes in and you say "So, Fred, what are you doing this weekend," and Fred says, "I'm going to do yardwork. After all, 'Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and never succeed' as it says in Proverbs 12:24," if that person existed, you would say "That's great, um, Fred," and you'd all excuse yourselves and actually go back to work because the mood was broken.
So while the Freds of the world are great for productivity, they're not so hot for coolness or morale. Neither are the Linuses, at first glance. They are too polite, too weird, too prone to suddenly making a religious speech that makes you feel terrible because you were really hoping to get the Milennium Falcon for Christmas, the one that opens up and has two secret compartments so your Han Solo action figures can hide from the storm troopers just like in the movies, but you feel terrible because you're pretty sure that Mom and Dad got you the Atari 2600, too, and you'd really like both and here's Linus, wrecking the weekend, so to speak, by pointing out that Christmas isn't about Ataris and Milennium Falcons.
Not that I'm talking about anyone in particular.
But Linus has two features that make him cool. The first is the part where his lameness comes around again to make him cool. Linus doesn't care what you think about him -- and that's cool. Like I pointed out yesterday, you can't be cool if you're trying to be cool. Linus definitely does not try to be cool. He just tries to be Linus.
It's okay with him if you think he's nuts for sitting in that pumpkin patch year after year. He doesn't mind when people insult him about his thumb sucking or blanket. He's happy with his phenomenal biblical knowledge and outlook on life. He's just himself -- polite, self-deprecating Linus. Being comfortable with yourself, doing your own thing, is cool.
But Linus has two features that make him cool. The first is the part where his lameness comes around again to make him cool. Linus doesn't care what you think about him -- and that's cool. Like I pointed out yesterday, you can't be cool if you're trying to be cool. Linus definitely does not try to be cool. He just tries to be Linus.
It's okay with him if you think he's nuts for sitting in that pumpkin patch year after year. He doesn't mind when people insult him about his thumb sucking or blanket. He's happy with his phenomenal biblical knowledge and outlook on life. He's just himself -- polite, self-deprecating Linus. Being comfortable with yourself, doing your own thing, is cool.
But Linus doesn't have to rely on that everyday kind of cool -- Linus has the other kind of cool: hidden talents. Linus may seem to be the quiet, thoughtful, blanket-toting kind of kid, but that's just a cover because under those still waters runs a deep set of talents.
Linus plays second base on Charlie Brown's team. Remember gym class? Only the cool kids got to play infield. And he played pitcher -- a pitcher who threw unhittable pitches. So he's the main guy there.
Linus wore glasses before wearing glasses was a sign that you were hip and trendy. (I'm looking at you, Tina Fey.) Then he got rid of them once people who would like you to think they are hip and trendy when really they are annoying started ostentatiously wearing glasses. (Still looking in that same direction, Tina.)
Linus can use his blanket like a whip-- he's knocked off tree branches with it. Who else was cool and used a whip? Only Indiana Jones.
And all the chicks dig Linus -- Sally practically stalks him-- but he's too cool to even pay attention to them (much) because he's after older women, like that cougar Miss Othmayer.
Given all of that, you know who Linus is, don't you? He's that guy you knew in high school who you never paid much attention to, or maybe even picked on a little, but generally you ignored him and thought he was weird. Then, it turns out that "Weird Guy Nobody Paid Much Attention To" became the center of the entire universe, somehow -- he rose to be a major league pitcher or movie star or millionaire or at the very least came back to a high school reunion with a smoking-hot wife and a great car.
There's a lesson there, you know: Never overlook hidden cool. Linus is hidden cool. He's got it, and he doesn't have to show it off.
Be careful. If you google "Linus," you may get this guy:
Nobody needs that.
Other lame/cool things? Longitude. The Atom. Swing Music. Charleston Chews.
"Bring It On." State Fairs. "My Name Is Earl."
"Bring It On." State Fairs. "My Name Is Earl."
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