Don't you, like me, have a healthy respect for the emergency medical professionals who respond to accidents and save lives? These are men and women who have to be ready, on a moment's notice, to respond to pretty much any situation and any injury-- even some gross ones-- that the human body can conceive of and inflict on itself or others.
If are one of those people getting all that respect, you've earned not just the respect but the ability to make your ongoing training a little easeir and more accessible through the National Paramedic Institute. The Institute is offering an emergency first responder training course that is on the cutting edge of continuing education.
Their online training center for First Responders, EMTs, and Paramedics has streaming video. It's got all the mandatory training you're required to have (like in Bloodborn pathogens and AIDS Training.) They can even give you online ACLS and CPR recertificatoin.
Go there right now -- use that link -- for a free video demo and see how worth it this is. While you're there, check out "Medic Monthly," the continuing education series which is CECBEMS approved and meets national registry requirements; with "Medic Monthly" you get case-based EMS training with pretests, videos, explanations and reviews, and a quiz.
It's a great company and a great program -- for great people who do great things.
Someone once told me that there are only seven basic storylines in all of literature and entertainment. All stories, this person (who was slightly less fun at a party than I am) said, can be boiled down to one of seven basic plots. He then listed them for me (proving my point about the whole who's-more-fun-at-a-party thing). They are, to the best of my recollection:
1. Boy meets, loses, and gets girl.
2. The quest story where the hero needs to get something and bring it back -- but that something is not the girl.
3. How difficult it is to be the manager of an aquarium.
I can't remember the other four, but you get the gist of it. Interestingly, Ryan Reynolds has starred in a movie about each of the seven basic plot lines.
I think that analysis is too reductive; saying that any story where there's love in it is a boy-meets-girl story is the same as when my kids say hamburger again but it's not hamburgers, it's Sloppy Joes. If the meat is in a different form, it's a different meal, right?
So there's a greater variety of plot lines than Mr. Boring Party Guy wanted to believe, but even with that, there are two constants in storytelling, two elements that must be present in every story for a story to transcend the ordinary. They are [REVERSE SPOILER ALERT, SINCE THE TITLE TELLS YOU WHAT'S COMING NEXT, BUT IF YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE TITLE OF THIS POST, THEN DON'T GO BACK AND READ IT BECAUSE IT REALLY WILL BE A SPOILER THEN]
... as I was saying, they are:
1. The hero must run somewhere at the end to achieve his goal, and
2. Cool music must be playing over that run.
Those two, put together, are not only a hallmark of, but are the pinnacle of art. Simply put, if at the end of a story, the hero isn't running somewhere with some great music providing the dramatic musical background to the run, then everything that's come before it worthless. That's why the ending to The Sopranos had so many people upset. It would have been entirely different if Tony Soprano had gotten up from that booth, started running outside, made it to the FBI's office or his house or the corner newstand that was just closing up, all while, say, Erasure's A Little Respect was playing over the scene:
and then fade to black.
See what a genius I am? If I'd been in charge, there would at least have been one good scene in the history of The Sopranos.
That kind of scene at the end is necessary because by having the hero run, the writer/storyteller demonstrates the urgency of the hero's quest, and by extension, the urgency of our own lives. It provides a jolt of adrenaline at the end of the story that makes the observer finish on an energetic, up note, as compared to, say, an ending where Richard Gere and Diane Lane just sit at a stoplight, making the viewer want to just sit there, too, and creating a nation of couch potatoes.
The hero running at the end of the story, with music, is also necessary and desirable because it demonstrates the key facets of civilization as we've come to know it and sometimes love it, namely, that humans are always trying to get somewhere, and also that humans really like music.
Having established that any story or movie or TV show that does not end with the hero running to get somewhere is just trash, it's time to consider which movie put those two together best -- and it has to be a movie or TV show, really, because while the running part can be put into books, it's harder to do it with music unless the publisher ships a CD with the book and at various points in the book the reader is instructed to play the CD.
Which they should do; I listen to music when I write to help create the mood I'm looking for (which is always earn money. That's the mood of my writing.) The reader should be given a chance to experience that mood through the music the writer wanted. In short, books should have soundtracks, and they just may someday because of things like that electronic book reader from Amazon which can let you download pretty much any book you want; how long will it be before you download the soundtrack to the book, too?
You know I'm on to something, here. I'm always on to something, here, because I'm a genius and a societal leader. So remember: books with soundtracks = my idea.
Until society catches up with me, great running-with-music scenes will exist only in movies, TV shows, and the rare very-modern art museum where they will play music and have employees perform a sort of flip-book of Monet works. But it's mostly movies, for now.
The real key to a running-at-the-end scene is the music, though, because, let's face it, running is running. It doesn't matter if it's Billy Crystal running to meet Meg Ryan when people liked her still, or all those guys in Chariots of Fire running onto the beach to get away from that shark*
*I haven't actually seen Chariots of Fire; I'm just guessing.
it's all still running. The music that the running is set to, then, is what sets your run-of-the-mill (PUN INTENDED) running scene apart from something classic. That Chariots of Fire scene, for example, with the song they play over it, lacks something of the dramatic element. The song is grand and all, but it's also sad and ponderous and lets you know that probably 3 of those guys are going to get eaten anyway.
What's needed to really make the scene is something that's uplifting and dramatic and a little different and features a really obscure instrument. Something like Music for A Found Harmonium, the song from Penguin Cafe Orchestra which you think you've never heard but which you have in fact, heard.
I've actually known about Penguin Cafe Orchestra without knowing that I've known about them (chew on that for a minute) since their song Telephone and Rubber Band :
was featured over the credits of Eric Bogosian's concert film of his one-man show, Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll, but I didn't know it was Penguin Cafe Orchestra or even know they existed.
Just like I didn't know what a harmonium was until [OBSCURE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT SPOILER ALERT] Adam Sandler found one in Punch Drunk Love, which I heard - -maybe from the same Mr Boring At Parties Guy -- was actually a retelling of Popeye. When I hear something like that, that an Adam Sandler movie that came this close to making me actually cry, is in reality just a live-action Popeye cartoon, I don't know whether to laugh or just start driving until I reach Arizona.
But it all came together, Penguin Cafe Orchestra and harmoniums, when I saw the closing scene from Napoleon Dynamite, where [ENERGETICALLY RUNNING SPOILER ALERT AND ALSO THERE WILL BE A MENTION OF A FISH] Napoleon runs through town to meet that girl whose name I was never quite sure of to offer her a delicious bass, and in the background, the movie plays Music for A Found Harmonium by Penguin Cafe Orchestra.
The music, like the movie, is offbeat but engagingly so. It builds and builds, swirling around the theme and adding little bits here and there, until it suddenly seems to take off into flight; it's like the music is evolving from a small grounded creature to a glorious bird, a bird that is best exemplified by ... um, Napoleon running. But the point is that the music and the moment both match each other and inspire each other, the way that Paul McCartney and John Lennon were great together and really never amounted to anything solo.
The music, too, leaves the viewer hopeful and happy and thinking Hey, life is good, and I can achieve my dreams, whatever they may be. That's a good way to end on a Friday, so listen to the song and have a great weekend:
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Semicolon
Back when I was just a young guy starting out, I chose my career carefully, weighing all my goals and desires and needs. After all that consideration, I decided that what I'd shoot for would be the type of career where I would never actually have to "work," and no actual "results" would be expected of me.
Hence, law school.
The downside to that decision is that a career in law means spending a lot of time with lawyers, who suck, and also that if your career is one that pretty much anyone who can talk could do, it does not (contrary to popular opinion) actually pay all that much. All those stories about rich lawyers you hear? Bunk. Most lawyers stay in the office so long because they don't have homes to go to. John Edwards didn't get rich suing people; I know for a fact he used to buy lots of scratch-off lottery tickets.
No, if you want the big money these days, the prestige, the house to live in, it seems you've got to actually do something that people want and do it well. Which is why I've been looking into the Cisco certification available through the Cisco Learning Network.
Cisco certification is the key to a great career, whether you're just starting out or thinking of switching. Computers permeate every area of our lives right now. Don't believe me? Well, smarty, I'm writing this on a computer, and you're reading it on a computer, and a computer just asked out your daughter, so think again.
With all that computing, IT (Information Technology) professionals are in demand and will be in demand for the rest of history. Cisco certification through the Cisco Learning Network puts you in a position to take advantage of that demand. Become a network security professional, learn how to work on voice and wireless apps, with a certification that practically guarantees that employers and managers will take you seriously, and pay you accordingly.
Here's a stat: right now, 73% of managers think security of their computer systems is important, while only 57% think their current IT people have the skills necessary to handle that. That gap between the people that want skilled employees and the people that actually have them, is your ticket to job security, riches, and adventure. Well, job security and riches, anyway. The adventure will have to be on your weekends. 
Everyone of my readers knows Mateo and McHale Shaw:
These are, you'll remember, the babies born conjoined twins. At birth, they were given only a 5% chance of survival, but they took that 5% and whipped it; they're going on three now and going strong.
This is a family that cannot be held down; as the boys begin to explore the world, their parents, Ryan and Angie, are not only raising them but also helping their own community through "Kids Coming Together," a group that hopes to make a playground that's accessible for all kids.
You can find out more information about this family at their page at Caring Bridge; click that link, and then type mateoandmchale into the box where it asks if you want to visit a Caring Bridge website. You'll want to keep up with them like I do, and you'll want to help them. They need the help; recently, one of the boys almost died and both still need lots of medical attention, but their insurance hit its lifetime limit
Go to Caring Bridge to find out more, or send contributions to help pay for their medical bills to:
Find your niche and the world is your oyster. Although it would be equally accurate, in this case, to say "find your niche, and the world is your transmission," because Monster Transmission & Performance has found it's niche, and it's a good one.
Monster Transmission & Performance has dedicated its company life to selling, modifying, building, and otherwise helping people all over this great planet with one thing: rear wheel drive automatic transmissions.
They've put those automatic transmissions into every kind of vehicle you can think of, it looks like. Pick-ups and 4x4s, street machines, hot rods, classic cars, even your aunt's old Ford Taurus (I know; I checked with her.)
They've done all that in pursuit of their goals, which are to provide the best high-performance transmissions in the world to everyone in the world.
They've got tons of experience to follow through on that goal; as they say, they've "probably been there and done that" when it comes to transmissions. And unlike other auto shops, they pledge that if you buy one of their transmissions, you'll be thrilled with it. They can pledge that because they know that they've put a serious amount of work into building the transmission and shipping it to you undamaged -- and they know that because you were smart enough to get it from them, you'll make sure it's put in right.
It all comes together in Monster Transmission & Performance's 10 Point Value Plan. Their values guarantee the lowest prices and your satisfaction. They promise free shipping and the best customer support in the industry available at any time. They triple-check every order, no matter which of the millions of in-stock parts you might get from them. They test drive the technology, and they are constantly adding new products.
All that, and they have awesome clothes for sale, too.
Another thing Monster Transmission & Performance does right? They come up with awesome Internet addresses, as you'll see, because you can find their site at:
http://www.eatmyshift.com/
Whew! Safe by a letter, and cool by a longshot.
Here are the English language punctuation marks (source: my computer keyboard): ! , . ? ; : . (That period at the end of the sentence is both an example of the punctuation marks and the period at the end of the sentence. Don't accuse periods of not carrying their load.)
There is, it turns out, a "Schwa Restaurant" that claims it's about more than food, it's about a state of mind, the kind of 'state of mind' that has to note that it accepts Visa and Mastercard. I'm not sure what you'd be paying for. I just looked at their "three course menu" and the menu begins with the word "amuse," which I don't think is a food at all, and contains the words "cobia" and "chimay" and "galangal." I don't know what those are, but I bet a celebrity will in the next month name his or her child "Cobia Galangal." I don't think it would amuse me to pay $55 for things I don't understand.I'm not sure what that's called. To try to find out, I even did more research than usual, both googling "¿ " (and getting no results) and asking someone I knew who speaks Spanish as her native language. She said it doesn't have a name, so as a result of that investigation, It seems that "¿" either (a) is not called anything, or (b) it does not exist.
I'm going to go with: it exists but has no name, because I need it to exist so I can say it's The Best. Here's why "¿" is The Best Punctuation Mark: because it does its job even before you can react.
I'll explain: Let's say you're going to ask a question, and you're speaking English or French or some other language. You ask the question, and then tack on your punctuation, the question mark: ?. The problem with that is the question mark does not mark its question until the end, so nobody knows it's a question until you get to the end, which makes a difference in how you intepret it.
Consider this sentence:
All my fans know that I just got back from Orlando, a trip that I more than amply detailed over on "Thinking The Lions," but let me give you a quick summary of that experience here: Flying with babies, getting a rental car, driving through International Drive to see what restaurants and malls there were, unloading babies from the rental car, swimming in the time-share pool, Seaworld, Gatorland, malls, restaurants, a rainy evening, some guy singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on karaoke, pizza buffets, the Gulf of Mexico, and my brother Matt lying about thunderstorms and sharks but then making us a very nice dinner to make up for it.
It was a whirlwind summer vacation that left my head spinning and me happy but exhausted but for a change not feeling that maybe I hadn't experienced the full joys of Orlando -- something I usually feel after a vacation. This time I didn't have to feel that way thanks to Trusted Tours & Attractions. Trusted Tours & Attractions pre-armed me with their knowledge of all the things to do in Orlando , so for a change I was not caught flatfooted or stumbling around a city hoping that I'd created a good family vacation for Sweetie and the kids.
Instead, using the information from Trusted Tours & Attractions, I was able to plan our vacation out well, making sure that no water ride, alligator farm, or hamburger stand would be missed... and they were not. We had an excellent time.
That's what Trusted Tours & Attractions can do for you; they exist to help you make the most of your vacation, through information and a newsletter you can sign up for and guided tours (like their very popular New York City tours) and the online travel guides they've got. Trusted Tours & Atractions is like having a native of the city help you plan your vacation and then accompany you on it.
A better native than my brother, frankly - have I mentioned that he told us the thunderstorms passed quickly... but they didn't? And don't get me started on what he told me about the sharks; it was not reassuring.
So do better than relying on Matt; use Trusted Tours & Attractions to plan and take your vacation. That's what I intend to do from now on -- like when Matt comes here in the fall to run in the Chicago Marathon? I'll just look up Trusted Tours & Attractions' things to do in Chicago and go with those, instead of telling him oh, sharks won't bite you.
Plus, if you sign up for the Trusted Travels eNewsletter now, you can enter to win a $150 iTunes gift card Offer ends July 31st, 2008, so you'll have cool tunes to take with you on your trip.
Beginning in about 9th grade, I learned to question the world, and in particular, to question pretty much anyone in any position of authority ever told me, ever. This was not some kind of cool "question authority" type of stance on my part; I am about as far from James Dean or any other kind of rebel you might ever find. It was something more primal, something deep inside me that makes me, when someone says right, say left.
One of the main things I questioned, back in those days of yore, was whether writers and poets had actually intended all these hidden meanings and symbols that my English teachers were telling me were in there. We'd read, say, an e e cummings poem, and they'd go ahead and say something like "The tire in that poem stood for death."
I never really got that. Nor do I know how they got it. Who decided that? Did Edgar Allen Poe leave an author's note in which he said "The House of Usher is symbolic of the banking system in the late 19th century; Roderick's beloved sister is the gold standard. Please let out the cat, Thanks." I don't think so. Maybe it was in the teacher's edition.
My stance on this is well-known, and that stance is: whatever the artist thinks the art is saying is interpreted through the eyes of the art-ee, so it's not that big of a deal. (I could call this the My Aunt's Dog Theorem.) What the My Aunt's Dog Theorem tells us, as consumers of art, is this: we interpret art in light of our own experiences, so symbols are likely to be mis-read.
Deep down inside, everyone, even my old English teachers, knows I'm right. The interpretation of a work of art depends on the circumstances of the person who created it and the person who is perusing it, and unless those two people are in similar (if not identical) situations, it's likely the symbolism is lost on the reader. So it's very difficult for me to get the same thing out of a Bukowski poem as Bukowski wanted me to get, and it's very difficult for me to get the same thing out of a Bukowski poem as Modest Mouse gets.
That is, though, a pretty good song to work out to, and also it is the reason why I know who Bukowski is in the first place; after listening to the song for nearly a year, I finally decided to find out who the heck Bukowski was, and then I liked his poems.
I have some experience in this area-- symbolism, not liking Bukowski's poems-- being someone who writes and all and having once won an award for poetry. In particular, I have some experience with people completely missing the symbolism that I tried to insert into a short story I wrote. The story is called Astrid Forever, and you can see it every now and then on my horror website. In the story, a guy is visited by his dead wife for a couple of days. Periodically, throughout the story, the color and scent of oranges is referred to; the point of that is that Astrid loved oranges (and plants are somewhat important to the story) and when the color orange is seen or oranges are smelled, it means that Astrid is around.
So when that story was first read by someone, the comment was "The orange thing seems kind of random." I probably should have simply said the oranges were symbolic of the national banking system.
I continue to use symbolism, as do other writers, and symbolism continues to be missed and/or mistaken for a gimmick... unless it's done really well and actually makes what I assume to be the point it was supposed to make, unless it's done so well that you don't even realize that you're being hit with symbolism until probably 1/3 of the way through the book, even though the author tells you what he's doing.
That kind of genius symbolism is best displayed by Cory Doctorow, whose book Someone 
Comes To Town, Someone Leaves Town contains The Best Gimmick/Symbol In A Book.
Someone Comes To Town, Someone Leaves Town follows the story of a guy who has just retired from running a variety of stores to write a story; however, before he can really begin writing his story he gets involved in (a) defending himself and some of his brothers from attacks by the brother they killed years before and (b) helping set up a citywide wireless network and (c) the affairs of his neighbors, one of whom [SPOILER ALERT ABOUT MUTANTS] has wings.
The main character's father is a mountain; his mother is a washing machine. One of his brothers can see the future; another is dead, a third is an island and three are Russian nesting dolls.
For all that, the story is actually not weird at all. For all the fantastic elements in it, for everything that Doctorow throws into it seemingly at... ahem ... random, it's one of the most believable, straightforward stories I've ever read. It's like all the weirdness cancels itself out, leaving just a great story.
Here's what Cory Doctorow does that's actually genius, though: The point of the story, or at least one of the points of the story, or at least what I think one of the points of the story might be (see My Aunt's Dog Theorem, above) is this: Our identities are slippery; we are different people at different times and who we are depends on where we come from, who we are with, and what we are doing.
That's one of the messages I took from the story, and I took it in part from this gimmick/symbol: The main character, who generally goes by "Alan," answers to any name that starts with A, and sometimes calls himself by other names, so long as they all start with A. His brothers, in order, have names starting with B, C, D, E, F, and G, and their names constantly change; only the first letter remains the same. So "Alan" goes also by "Adam" and "Al" and "Albert" and any other name that starts with A; other characters call him what they feel like, but it always starts with "A." The dead brother, "Davey," goes by "Danny" and "Delbert," or what-have-you.
Alan even tells the reader that's what's going on; early on, he says he's not real stuck on names and answers to anything.
All the other characters except the brothers have names that always remain the same; only the brothers, who all are 'sons of the mountain' have shifting names. The brothers are trying to figure out where they fit in the world, who they are.
It's all done so subtly that I didn't even realize it, like I said, until about 1/3 way through the book, when it suddenly struck me. Then I realized it and watched for it, trying to figure out if one name got used more than others (maybe, maybe not, I decided) and then marveling that it wasn't confusing, not in the slightest. I had no problem following the story or the characters, even though the main characters' names kept changing.)
There are a lot of reasons why it should not surprise me that I was able to follow the story, beginning with the fact that identities in real life and art are already slippery and yet I have no trouble following them. I have lots of names. I'm "Dad" and I go by my name and my title and by the nicknames Sweetie has for me. I have several zillion nicknames for the kids, and everyone in the house can follow them. There are dozens of people I interact with on a periodic basis whose names I am unsure of (including, embarrasingly, one who just quit our firm. The office manager announced that we were having a going away party for her -- I'll call her "Jennifer," and I didn't know who Jennifer was; when I guessed, I got it wrong) but with whom I can work.
Secondly, the human brain is good at making order out of nonsense. We do it everyday in our lives, assembling all the random bits of information that flow into our eyes and ears and nose and mouth into a coherent whole, and we can do it quite well, apparently, without any regard to logic or rules. I know that because I'm familiar with the brain-scramble puzzle, which proves that most rules of spelling and grammar are not necessary for something to make sense; they make it easier, but they're not necessary (like lawyers! ba-dum bump!)
Take a look at this, which I got from that link:
'Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
You could read it, right? So could I -- so your brain just went ahead, without any of the usual rules, and made sense of it.
That's what symbolism and themes and all the meanings that we ascribe to works of art are, in the end -- our brains imposing logic and order and meaning on something that otherwise might seem to be random or scrambled or weird. We have a drive to find meaning in everything: in song lyrics, in paintings, in cloud formations, in fist-bumps. The meaning we ascribe to those things will almost always vary depending on our background and mood and the specifics that make each of us, each of us.
After reading this blog for a while, you will no doubt be better versed in the better -- even the Best -- things in life. That well verse-osity will serve you well as you upgrade your life by reading the Best books, seeing the Best movies, dating the Best celebrities, and buying the Best art.
Art like you can find at the Park West Art Gallery. The Park West Art Gallery could be described as 63,000 square feet of the greatest art collection in the world, an art collection that is available for sale to... you. In 23 different galleries, with a new exhibition every month displaying a collection that grows by 6,000 pieces of art per week, Park West Gallery is the place to buy art -- or places, since they hold auctions around the country.
This is not "Starving Artist Everything's $5" or "Dogs Playing Poker" stuff, either; it's real art documented and reviewed by recognized experts and scholars in the best artists -- scholars like the Salvador Dali Museum's appraiser, Bernard Ewell and more.
The Park West Gallery is located in Southfield, Michigan, but has branches in Miami, Florida, too. Why? Becuase they also auction off art on cruise ships through an affiliate -- so you can enjoy a vacation with your art (or art with your vacation; it's a chicken-and-egg thing, really.)
I've prepared you to enjoy the better things in life; now go to the Park West Gallery and get them.
How's this for luck? Just a day after I post the second of my two dreams for how to spend the rest of my life once I no longer have to work -- those dreams, you'll remember, now include (a) teaching myself that dance Christopher Walken did in Weapon of Choice, and then re-enacting it and (b) traveling the country with Sweetie and a choir and doing impromptu performances of Census Taker, just a day after I post that, I come across a website that provides trust services.
Trust services and financial planning are the key to achieving a dream of not working anymore. Well, one of the keys, the other being marry Britney for a couple of years, but I don't want to go that route. So this Northern Trust company looks to me to be a pretty good shot at securing a day when I no longer have to go to the office. I was clicking around and getting it set up, and they pretty quickly homed in on exactly what I need as far as personal financial planning; they have a bunch of different sections depending on what my goals and needs are. While I didn't yet see one for "people who have Christopher Walken based goals," I'm pretty sure they can help.
What I especially liked, seriously, was the part that allowed people in my profession (lawyering) to work with them and have them do the daily work in managing the finances while I focus on my actual career; that's exactly what I want out of a professional financial manager, and Northern Trust will be getting my business.
I really should have to say nothing more about this entry, as it's just obviously The Best Saturday Night Live Skit ever. But I will say more, and this is what I will say:
First, eventually I think that everyone in society will speak in nothing but quotations from movies and TV shows and songs and books; everything we say will in some way be a quotation from something we heard. That's what our family is evolving into right now: there is nothing in our lives that cannot somehow feature a quote from some movie, show, or comedian worked into the conversation about it, including church. I'm pretty sure that our family is indicative of society as a whole, in that our family has people in it and society does, too.
That process began, for us, with the "Census Taker" skit, a skit we have memorized and frequently laugh about at inappropriate times.
I'm not sure, when society reaches that point, how we will come up with new entertainment to put on TV and the Internet and movie screens to keep generating quotes; it's possible that we'll just recycle old entertainment and make it seem new, a process that has also already begun.
So there's my happy Sunday thought: Someday, we will live in a dystopian society where our conversations are simply reiterations of the things we have seen on TV, and TV is simply a reiteration of our conversations. We will live in a closed-loop so stifling and imitative that once we are in it, it will make Family Guy seem fresh and inventive.
Second, when I win the lottery and have all the time in the world, I will not only perfect Christopher Walken's dance moves, but I will travel the country with Sweetie (and probably with a choir) and we will perform impromptu performances of this on streetcorners in cities to make people laugh and remind them of a time when comedy was fresh and new and featured Christopher Walken. I will do that not out of the goodness of my heart alone, but out of a need to constantly want to be the one who says "Boy, I really overshot it with the 80, huh?"
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Herman:
Herman The Wonder Kitten
by
brianefp
Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle
Everyone's familiar, by now, with what happens after being in a car accident that's not your fault: You get a ticket and get sued in court and you have to go in front of a judge, where you try to re-enact the accident on a blackboard using model cars, but it goes badly until your husband drops his briefcase...
...well, that's the way they taught it at my law school. But what really happens after a car accident, I've learned, is that so long as it wasn't mostly your fault, you can get compensated for injuries and losses and get your car repaired.
Here's a problem, though: get your car repaired, have your insurance company or the other guy's insurance company and pay for it, and go on your way -- with a less valuable car. Yes, that 2008 pimped-up ride you were touring in before the accident now has the value of, say, the 1985 Ford Festiva I drove when I went to law school. Nobody wants to pay full value for a car that's been in an accident and repaired.
Advocate Auto Claims can help you get that lost money. Advocate Auto Claims works to get you reimbursement for the dimished value of your vehicle after a car accident that wasn't your fault. They'll do a free estimate of the value you might get, and you can contact them through the Web or by phone. They also can help you avoid paying for estimates and other things that are customarily done after an accident, but which you might not need to pay for at all; and there's a spot right on the front page to submit questions.
Not everything can be fixed up with a well-timed briefcase drop; sometimes you need to call the experts to get the help you need. Advocate Auto Claims are the experts in recovering diminished value. Let them do the briefcase dropping for you. 
Let me get this off my chest: Brangelina is a liar. They are liars, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, until they prove otherwise.
A google search for "Brad and Angelina donate $400,000" comes up with nothing I can see to verify that they kept their promise and donated a sum equal to 0.006% of what they spent on the castle they bought now that they are renting France. So I don't believe that they ever donated the money.
news or even facts! So presenting as a "news story" a poll showing that 47% of people surveyed think that oil prices are too high is... nothing.
The first runner-up is I Don't Like You In That Way. IDLYITW (like that?) does an okay job of making fun of the celebrities and gossiples that make up 99% of my news in a given day, but tries just a little too hard to be edgy to make the cut.
The Superficial also has proven itself to be a force without strained humor or weird drawings; the site took on the burning question of whether Kim Kardashian has a fake butt, and drew Kim's attention (which is hard to do, unless you have something shiny) to deny the allegation... proving, too, that you can ask the tough questions and still get gossiples to talk to you.
"Gary, we'll sing show tunes! Gary! Feelings... nothing more than feelings!"
"Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste."
"I flunk English, I'm outta here. I get maybe six months grace period and then I gotta get a job, and you know what that means. That's right, they start me at the drive-up window and I gradually work my way up from shakes to burgers, and then one day my lucky break comes: the french fry guy dies and they offer me the job. But the day I'm supposed to start some men come by in a black Lincoln Continental and tell me I can make a quick 300 just for driving a van back from Mexico. When I get out of jail I'm 36 years old. Living in a flop house. No job. No home. No upward mobility. Very few teeth. And then one day they find me, face down in the gutter, clutching a bottle of paint thinner and *why*? Because *you* wouldn't help me in English, no! You were too busy to help me! Too busy to help a drowning man! "
You either recognize those quotes, or you don't, and if you don't, too bad for you because that means you never watched The Sure Thing, my favorite movie from the 1980s. Everyone who now knows John Cusack as the guy who watches Hillary Duff dig in her pants, or the guy who makes movies about kids that nobody sees, would be stunned to know that John Cusack was once the embodiment of cool in a nerdy sort of way... a guy traveling cross-country with one hot girl, to meet another, and making wisecracks along the way.
I loved The Sure Thing because, like all the great 80s movies, it promised that geeky guys who were secretly cool inside, like me and John Cusack, would have wild adventures and meet and fall in love with and get fallen in love with by hot girls, and have wacky friends. And in my case, it came true. (In John's case, he made that one movie about an ice storm in Kansas City. So we took different paths with our lives.)
I started thinking about 80s movies because (a) I think about them all the time anyway, and (b) they've just re-released WarGames to celebrate the 25th anniversary of that movie. I never saw it on the big screen when it came out (I had to wait until I could rent the video) so I'm excited about getting to see the movie that kicked off the 1980s in style, and that brought the world of evil supercomputers to the Reagan era.
Wargames will be playing in select theaters one night only: Thursday, July 24th, and for those lucky enough to get tickets, you'll get a sneak peek at the long-awaited sequel, WarGames: The Dead Code.
Long live the 1980s!
I
